I wake up the same way every day now. Sweating, short of breath and panicking, every time and I’m starting to get fucking sick of it.
I feel ill so I guess it could just be that but I’m finding it hard to get to sleep in the first place too so maybe it’s just mild insomnia? Or maybe I’m just haunted by bad decisions and nightmares of how it could’ve been.
I’m going to go with illness, until I undoubtedly get proven wrong.
So I take a look around on Facebook and I see that the vast majority of my friends are actually still online, still awake and still talking to people. That’s just the one’s who are on Facebook too, what about all the people who’re still awake playing games where you murder prostitutes, masturbating to “sisters” banging the same dude or whatever the fuck it is that kids love to do these days.
I find it weird though that so many people are unable to sleep, they can’t find any rest. I think the main reason is unhappiness, especially at my age anyway, people are coming to the stark realisation that life is not what they thought it was going to be five years ago. I thought I was going to be filthy rich and covered in bitches and I’m pretty sure most people my age pictured a similar future but sadly it wasn’t to be. We can’t all be Dan Bilzerian.
Truth is people are all awake right now because they live in the faint hope that something incredible might fall into their lap if they could possibly stay awake just a few seconds longer.
It’s taking a lot of effort to really finish these last few things so everything is ready to record in the new year. I think it should all be done tonight, I’m not going to sleep until it’s finished. It just makes me think that some things are hard work but if you’re in the middle of doing it, chances are it’s going to be worthwhile to finish it.
I don’t know what to do or think or say but all I do know is i can’t sleep for shit tonight. There’s so much running through my head I really can’t even express it properly. I need to just sit down and while away the small hours now by writing and writing until I can’t write anymore. I don’t know what to do to keep my mind off things and hopefully bring me to sleep but I know if I do what I’ve been finding cathartic recently it might at least relax my mind and let it rest. It doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to sleep at all tonight if I’m honest but at least I might get a good poem out of it? Who fucking knows.
I did not mean to fall asleep in or fail to be present for every lecture you’ve ever given me but I was struck by the startling realisation on my very first day of university that I do not need you. I do not need your archaic establishment of knowledge and learning. I will write my own future, one set apart from yours and what your employer wishes for me. I will achieve greatness by my own means because I want it and it wants me.
I heard the term “Psychonaut” over the weekend and I’ve spent most of today researching these sailors of the mind. I’m living the clean life now and steering clear of drugs so I’ve decided to experiment with the non-pharmaceutical side of it and start writing a dream-journal and forcing myself to remember every dream I have during the night, apparently this is the first step toward “lucid dreaming” or actually being able to control and create my own dreams. I’ll also start experimenting with yoga and breathing exercises in the day, eventually building up to spending an hour or two in an isolation tank and an infrared sauna in a specially-designed centre nearby in Swansea. The man in me hopes this will all lead to a better understanding of my own mind and the universe around me. The child in me hopes to achieve psychic powers.
I just got home ready for the weekend back from Swansea to see my girlfriend and spend some time with some close friends too and I’ve somehow ended up spending the entire of this evening curled up in a ball on my sofa, sleeping with my cats and playing with them. I like it when I can see they’re getting more and more annoyed but I’m just finding it more entertaining. Cats make the best fun.
I go to sleep, sometimes drunk, sometimes not. Every time in a bad mood, I reassure myself that when I wake up it will be a new day, I will have one more chance to have a good day and not be weighed down by any worries, troubles or concerns. Every time I lie to myself to keep me happy. Every morning is the same, I wake up neutral, not happy or unhappy but something will happen, at some point, to ruin this as opposed to make it better. There are only so many times I can repeat it before I run out of chances. Game Over. No more credits. Please Insert Coin(s). Something must be done about this.
It’s that point when for one reason or another, either you’ve lost focus or you’re just too tired to read, you can’t actually read the page in front of you. You find yourself staring at a piece of paper and looking at the same sentence over and over again for several minutes, unable to snap yourself out of it. That’s when you know you should just give up and go to bed.