TV Lied To Me

Single life isn’t all casual sex and non-stop partying.

It’s more of a mix of awkward sexual encounters, mild depression, binge-watching TV alone in bed and a lingering narcotic addiction that surfaces every day or two.

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That Sinking Feeling

Sometimes I wake up and I can’t get the idea out of my head. I can’t stop wondering if I gave up and let the best thing that ever happened to me walk away without a fight. But I always come to the same conclusion, if it was the best thing that ever happened to me then why did I have to fight?

I’m not saying relationships should be easy, I know they’re not. It’s just that when you get to a point where loving someone isn’t enough any more, maybe that’s just supposed to be the end of it. I guess it’s something you’ll never really know for sure and that’s not an idea I like, uncertainty is not fun.

Regardless, It’s too late to change it back and you just have to man up and move on. It’s not easy and it’s probably never going to be, but it’s one of those things that everyone has to do at some point in their lives. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and be willing to accept your fate.

You drink to the future or drink because of the past. It all looks the same when you’re on the outside looking in.

Schrodinger’s Pussy

Erwin Schrodinger was the Nobel Prize-winning physicist you might remember from a Philosophy or Psychology lesson you’ve taken.

He’s famous for his thought experiment regarding a cat caught in a simultaneous state of existence and non-existence. So basically, he was king nerd of the early twentieth century.

Erwin Schrodinger on women: “Poor things, they have provided for my own life’s happiness and their own distress. Such is life.”

Not only was he a massive player but apparently he also gave zero fucks about it. Schrodinger was essentially the Charlie Sheen of Quantum Physics.

Unwritten Rules

Well, I guess they won’t be for long.

Every guy follows the same etiquette when texting or messaging someone, it’s actually pretty bizarre. If any girls out there don’t believe me then trust me, I’ve spoken to plenty of my friends about this and they all do exactly the same.

If you’re speaking to a male friend then no kisses are necessary unless they’re one of your closest friends, at which point a single “x” becomes acceptable.
If you’re speaking to a female friend who is exactly that and nothing more, or a female who you don’t know very well then one will suffice.
Everyone knows that “xx” is like an accident, nobody ever means to put two really. It’s either a habit you’ve somehow picked up or you’ve got fat fingers and you keep pressing it twice.

Here’s where we get to the real important shit.
If you’re speaking to a female friend who you’re really close to or that you want to get jiggy with then “xxx” becomes the norm. it’s not too blatant that it could be misconstrued as “sit on my face already” but then it’s not so casual that they’d think you don’t give a fuck about them so it works for either one.

Any more than three and you’re entering some real important territory, make sure that you know she’s into you or risk having to play it off as a mistake afterward.
If a girl then decides to reply with any number of “x”s exceeding three then congratulations son, you’re about to get laid.

This might seem pathetic and stupid, because it is.
I take no responsibility for the way the world works or the fact that technology has reduced us all to children.

The Devil’s Threeway

Or for the uneducated out there, a threesome that involves two men and one lucky woman. There’s one simple rule to follow to make it the best experience possible.

Be the first man in and the first man out.

It’s a fact that nobody wants to play second fiddle in a threesome, it’s never a good idea to be the understudy and have to live up to your friend who may or may not be better in bed than you. Just don’t take the risk, simple.

It’s also a fact that nobody wants to be stuck having sex with a girl who either has still has your friend’s jizz on her face or has the breath of an experienced hooker while their friend watches on solemnly, wondering if it’s acceptable to leave yet.

So, be the first man in and the first man out.