If you’ve only ever lived one day in your whole life then of course you’re going to be afraid of death. If you got a job at 18 and retired at 65 then of course you’re going to want to live to 100. If you dropped out of school and flittered between meaningless jobs for ten years until you got someone pregnant and you had to stay in a job to support the family, of course you’re going to wish you had more time.
If your life never changes and you never take any risks then of course you’re going to want more than what you’ve had.
I spent two years as the salesman who works 70-hour weeks and fills his weekends with drug-fuelled rampages. I’ve spent the last three years and will spend the next year as the poor student who lives in squalor and drowns in assignments but still manages to go out and get drunk at least once a week. During my life I’ve been the devoted and loving boyfriend who would do anything for the girl he’s with and I’ve also been the jerk who tries to fuck anything that moves at the first chance he gets.
Once next year’s done, I’m going to spend at least a year as the waste-of-space hippie who’s running around the world doing fuckall that’s really constructive. By that time I’ll be 25 I’ll either extend that time or I might try something new, guess we’ll have to see.
I wake up the same way every day now. Sweating, short of breath and panicking, every time and I’m starting to get fucking sick of it.
I feel ill so I guess it could just be that but I’m finding it hard to get to sleep in the first place too so maybe it’s just mild insomnia? Or maybe I’m just haunted by bad decisions and nightmares of how it could’ve been.
I’m going to go with illness, until I undoubtedly get proven wrong.
In an attempt to distract myself from the monotony that is a dissertation, I read about a prisoner of war in Nazi Germany and this is why he amazed me so much.
He was captured and held prisoner, during which time he fell in love with the daughter of an official from a quarry labor camp. During the next five years Horace discovered a way to escape his camp and instead of using it to flee Germany and attempt to rendezvous with British forces, he used it to meet up with the official’s daughter as often as he could and continue their relationship.
After he was released and sent home they continue to talk until he discovered that she had died during childbirth with the father of the baby unknown, he never discovered if it was his.
First of all, why the fuck hasn’t this been made into a film yet?!
Second of all, love’s a powerful concept and life’s a fickle bitch. Lessons to learn.
An average film, a good book and an incredible concept.
I’m going to take it on board, starting today. I can’t tell anyone for fear of them taking advantage of it, but we’ll see where it leads me. I’m hopeful and maybe that is naive, but I’ve always maintained I’d rather be naive than anything else. I think it’s going to work and I think it’s going to bring me something fantastic, time will tell I guess…
The reason so many people are unhappy, depressed or even suicidal seems so clear. Realistically life isn’t repetitive, although it can sometimes feel that way. It’s only repetitive when you look at it on a small scale, when you look at every day through monday to friday there’s an incredibly high chance that most people will have done the same thing each day.
If you then look at the last four weeks you’ll see repetition interspersed with the odd day where you did something different, to break the cycle and give yourself a break in return. Now, look back to the last year and think about all of those days where you did something different or achieved something, or maybe even just thoroughly enjoyed what you would normally consider monotonous and you can see that life isn’t repetitive, you’re just looking at the corner of a masterpiece through a magnifying glass. You need to look at it all.
Don’t give up just yet, there’s always more to the canvas.
I’ve just come back from my first ever gym session with the guys I’m living with at the moment and have come to two conclusions, one of them is that the one guy I live with is an absolute monster, actually inhumanly strong and the second is that I need to keep this up for my own sake, just so I can actually improve myself physically and also so that I can relieve a certain amount of stress that tends to build up. I think it’ll be good for me, in all aspects of my life.
Of course it is, it always will be, at least until you’ve got everything you want. I’d say I’m pretty close for the first time in my life and I know the road’s been rocky and it’s going to continue to be but in the end, I’m going to look back on all of this and think about how lucky I was that I never gave up. Basically, do everything you can to get everything you’ve ever wanted. You’ll never regret it. Let’s get the weatherman to do a re-take because it seems like blue skies are due again.
A kid I used to go to school with who I’d describe as “not unintelligent, but definitely mentally deficient” has just published a book, met Margaret Thatcher and several members of British Royalty, got a job in junior government and all before his twentieth birthday. It really is making me think that true genius is destined to go unnoticed or only be recognised posthumously. This thought saddens me.
A few things have been getting me down of late and I know just how to fix everything in one fell swoop. I’m going to put more effort in, to everything. I’ll fix my relationship problems and be a better boyfriend, It’s what she deserves. I’ll fix my university problems and be a better student, It’s what my parents deserve. I’ll write more, think more, do more in every venture that I’m looking to get into at the moment, It’s what I deserve. I’ve been a lazy, procrastinating cunt and I deserve all the unhappiness I’ve had. If you want something, take it. I’ve always said this to anyone who’s asked me for help and It’s about time I start to drink my own medicine, you know? I want a lot of things and by fucking god, I’m taking them all. This starts when I wake up tomorrow at exactly 9am if my alarm is to be believed and If It’s the last thing I do, I am going to get what I want and revel in my own happiness and the perfection of my own existence.
It seems to be risk. If you risk nothing, you gain nothing. I’m presented with what a lot of people would say is a risk, I think it’s a surefire thing but then again, I’ve always been an optimist. Sure, if it all goes wrong I’m going to be left probably poor, definitely homeless and most likely end up having to drop out of university. But, if it all goes right I will have the life I want and I will be happy. Not just in the short-term, I mean I will literally be set for life, my happiness will be guaranteed. That pro is like a fucking cinder block compared to those cons. I would rather try, be unsuccessful but safe in the knowledge that I did everything I could to have the life I wanted than never try and never know what could have happened. I’m going to take the leap and I know that I’m going to land safely because if you want something bad enough, it will always be yours, no matter what. Now just to see if she’s willing to take the risk with me.
I’ve come to realise this and the thought of it scares me more than any phobia imaginable. I haven’t made any posts for a while and have had no e-mails or rush of concern and I can only further this by thinking that, if I died quite suddenly I would not be missed. Family and close friends would of course be sad to see me go and would miss me but in the grand scheme of things, I will not be missed. I’m going to put my best efforts and resources into changing this, as soon as possible.