I’ve been destroying everything that makes me happy or that I love and for no other reason than apparently I just can’t let myself be happy. I fell in love with a girl and we broke up because she loved me so much that she hated the thought of losing me or me getting interested in other girls and became incredibly paranoid and jealous and wouldn’t let me do much without her either being upset or having a go at me. She says she’s changed and I just don’t think she has, I can’t believe that she has because it doesn’t seem like it’s possible for her to. I really want to be with her because I know she’s what makes me happy, but I need that bit of trust and for her to have faith in us. I’m torn between risking being with a girl I love who might not be able to let our relationship work at all or being in love with a girl who’s going to get over me while I try to make the best of whatever I’ve got left. Who the fuck knows what I’m supposed to do, I certainly don’t.
A few things have been getting me down of late and I know just how to fix everything in one fell swoop. I’m going to put more effort in, to everything. I’ll fix my relationship problems and be a better boyfriend, It’s what she deserves. I’ll fix my university problems and be a better student, It’s what my parents deserve. I’ll write more, think more, do more in every venture that I’m looking to get into at the moment, It’s what I deserve. I’ve been a lazy, procrastinating cunt and I deserve all the unhappiness I’ve had. If you want something, take it. I’ve always said this to anyone who’s asked me for help and It’s about time I start to drink my own medicine, you know? I want a lot of things and by fucking god, I’m taking them all. This starts when I wake up tomorrow at exactly 9am if my alarm is to be believed and If It’s the last thing I do, I am going to get what I want and revel in my own happiness and the perfection of my own existence.