If you’ve only ever lived one day in your whole life then of course you’re going to be afraid of death. If you got a job at 18 and retired at 65 then of course you’re going to want to live to 100. If you dropped out of school and flittered between meaningless jobs for ten years until you got someone pregnant and you had to stay in a job to support the family, of course you’re going to wish you had more time.
If your life never changes and you never take any risks then of course you’re going to want more than what you’ve had.
I spent two years as the salesman who works 70-hour weeks and fills his weekends with drug-fuelled rampages. I’ve spent the last three years and will spend the next year as the poor student who lives in squalor and drowns in assignments but still manages to go out and get drunk at least once a week. During my life I’ve been the devoted and loving boyfriend who would do anything for the girl he’s with and I’ve also been the jerk who tries to fuck anything that moves at the first chance he gets.
Once next year’s done, I’m going to spend at least a year as the waste-of-space hippie who’s running around the world doing fuckall that’s really constructive. By that time I’ll be 25 I’ll either extend that time or I might try something new, guess we’ll have to see.
It sounds stupidly simple and easy to do but we all know it’s not.
Don’t just get angry and self-destructive though, that’s a common mistake. Get angry and use it, use it to build yourself into a better person than you ever were before. Better doesn’t necessarily mean good, you don’t have to be a good person to be a great person. If you ever need motivation to put yourself in a better situation just tell yourself that you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve any of the endless mountain of shit that is everyday life for most people on the planet, but you’re going to get it anyway so get angry and move that fucking mountain.
Children let their emotions control them, adults learn to hide them and maybe even block them out entirely but only great people can harness them. Use every single ounce of rage in you to do everything you never thought was possible.
This message was brought to you by a lack of experience and an unrelenting hope for the future.
So I take a look around on Facebook and I see that the vast majority of my friends are actually still online, still awake and still talking to people. That’s just the one’s who are on Facebook too, what about all the people who’re still awake playing games where you murder prostitutes, masturbating to “sisters” banging the same dude or whatever the fuck it is that kids love to do these days.
I find it weird though that so many people are unable to sleep, they can’t find any rest. I think the main reason is unhappiness, especially at my age anyway, people are coming to the stark realisation that life is not what they thought it was going to be five years ago. I thought I was going to be filthy rich and covered in bitches and I’m pretty sure most people my age pictured a similar future but sadly it wasn’t to be. We can’t all be Dan Bilzerian.
Truth is people are all awake right now because they live in the faint hope that something incredible might fall into their lap if they could possibly stay awake just a few seconds longer.
So, here we are again. It’s been two years and three months since I first started this and I’ve barely done it at all for the last eighteen months so it’s about time I change that. I’ve recently been broken up with but I suppose for a good reason at least. There’s no hatred, no bad intention and no anger at all really. The situation itself is simply that two people want different things and have different values, that’s not something to hate someone for really that’s just an unfortunate result of life. It seems strange to explain but that’s just the way it is and there’s nothing I or anyone else can do about it. I’m a twenty-two year old person who needs to focus his attention on himself as opposed to a partner for the first time in his life, I’ll stay as I am and instead of spending time trying to be what someone wants me to be and do what will make them happy, I’ll be selfish and look after myself for a change. It’ll be interesting to see where this’ll take me.
I’ve just come back from my first ever gym session with the guys I’m living with at the moment and have come to two conclusions, one of them is that the one guy I live with is an absolute monster, actually inhumanly strong and the second is that I need to keep this up for my own sake, just so I can actually improve myself physically and also so that I can relieve a certain amount of stress that tends to build up. I think it’ll be good for me, in all aspects of my life.
A few things have been getting me down of late and I know just how to fix everything in one fell swoop. I’m going to put more effort in, to everything. I’ll fix my relationship problems and be a better boyfriend, It’s what she deserves. I’ll fix my university problems and be a better student, It’s what my parents deserve. I’ll write more, think more, do more in every venture that I’m looking to get into at the moment, It’s what I deserve. I’ve been a lazy, procrastinating cunt and I deserve all the unhappiness I’ve had. If you want something, take it. I’ve always said this to anyone who’s asked me for help and It’s about time I start to drink my own medicine, you know? I want a lot of things and by fucking god, I’m taking them all. This starts when I wake up tomorrow at exactly 9am if my alarm is to be believed and If It’s the last thing I do, I am going to get what I want and revel in my own happiness and the perfection of my own existence.
I did not mean to fall asleep in or fail to be present for every lecture you’ve ever given me but I was struck by the startling realisation on my very first day of university that I do not need you. I do not need your archaic establishment of knowledge and learning. I will write my own future, one set apart from yours and what your employer wishes for me. I will achieve greatness by my own means because I want it and it wants me.
I get a call first thing this morning to tell me that my happiness is being held hostage at gunpoint by my jealousy. It seems like he’s demanding the release of my worries before he let’s my happiness go free. I report to the station first and bump into my childishness on the way, he’s telling me not to negotiate with terrorists and if happiness dies then so be it but when I see my old partner, logic, he tells me that it’s up to me how i approach the situation but I’ve got bare in mind that happiness has a wife at home, my future, the two go hand in hand and it’s my job to get happiness back to my future in one piece.
You will never truly know suspense. Thanks to the information age, you won’t need to call people. You will never experience the feeling of having something incredibly important to say, phoning someone to say it to them and the phone rings, and rings, and rings… No answer.
Now it’s seldom any more than once or twice a month and I’m grateful for it. My dreams aren’t the lovely, flying, gracious dreams. Mine are the ones that make you feel like you’ve been hit by a fucking train and had a bucket of water thrown over you just for good measure. I think it’s because I’m not afraid any more, I’m not avoiding the future, I’m embracing it. I can’t wait to see where this ends up.