I Believe The Term Is…

A shit sandwich. I heard this term today, not for the first time obviously because I’m not a fucking crab, but it was the first time I actually thought about it.

People usually seem to use it to describe when you get lumped with two equally unappealing and unfortunate circumstances at the same time, but that’s not actually a shit sandwich now, is it?

A ham sandwich is ham between two slices of bread and a chicken sandwich is chicken between two slices of bread. The first word is the filling and sandwich essentially just means “between two slices of bread”. Seems simple enough, so I really do fail to see the why this is such a common mistake.

By this logic, a shit sandwich is really a singular piece of shit, served to you piping hot and ready to eat, but obviously between two slices of bread. Wholemeal, bran bread, butter, mayonnaise, you can take your pick because it really doesn’t matter when when it’s covered in a hefty portion of shit.

So, when life throws two truly awful circumstances at you at the same time, you’re not really being given a shit sandwich. You’re not even being given two shit sandwiches, unless for some unknown reason both these awful circumstances are bread-related but I really can’t see that happening.

What’s really happening is that you’re being spitroasted by two gargantuan penises sculpted entirely out of shit. You’re being shitroasted, or experiencing “a shitroast”, if you will.

That’s it really, I just want to let that phrase bleed out into everyday conversation.

A shitroast.


An Update That Can’t Wait

So saying yes is still going strong and still working out well.

It struck me just now that I’ve gotten into a habit of agreeing now, so much so that I’m starting not to notice the amount of things I’m doing that I wouldn’t have done before.

I’ve eaten ostrich and crocodile, and loved them both. I’ve reconnected with some old friends and done fun stuff with those I’m already connected with. I went to see one of the favourite bands of my teenage years play live in Bristol, Everytime I Die just in case you were wondering. I’ve agreed to go paintballing when I’m done with uni. I’ve arranged to go on holiday to Amsterdam with my housemates. I’ve started to plan going to London to see The Tallest Man On Earth (the singer, not an actual giant man). I’ve gotten over a minor fear of heights that I used to have. I’ve learnt that I’m exceptionally good at Tetris, like inhuman level of talent.

I didn’t write an update before this because I didn’t think I’d really done anything worth noting, maybe that’s part of the beauty of doing this. Sooner or later, doing more just becomes normal. Needless to say, I’m a big fan.

Edible Spreadables

It struck me today, why on earth is the word “Spreadable” on so many different brands of butter, as if it’s something they should be bragging about? Butter is by it’s very definition a spread, if it’s not spreadable then it isn’t really doing it’s job now is it? It’s like putting the phrase “Has Wheels” on a car advert, totally unnecessary and not something that’s going to make me buy your product any more than your competitors.

Fuck Anchor.

Year After Year

I see the same people making the same resolutions subsequently breaking them every year, myself included. This is not your typical rant on the subject because most people criticize the lack of conviction and dedication to a cause shown by the resolution makers and breakers but I can’t help but think, if almost every one I know makes a choice to quit smoking, go to the gym or not eat junk food but for some reason falters after the first six to eight weeks then doesn’t that say something about us as a whole? We are creatures of habit and too many of us make the mistake of allowing our habits to define our identity, you are not turning into a non-smoker, a fitness freak or a health nut just because you choose to do any of those things, you are the same person, through and through. True you might get changes in mood or sleeping patterns but that’s not your personality, that’s not who you are. Very few people want to be a smoker, they just like the social aspect and the ability to bond and find common ground with someone either on a night out or on a first day of work at a new job. That’s all eating junk food and being lazy are too, the chance to watch tv and have something to talk about or the time to watch each and every football match over the weekend just to have a day’s worth of conversation topics on monday. It all boils down to finding common ground with other people and in doing so, creating and maintaining lasting friendships. In short, stop being so fucking superficial and meet people by talking about things that actually matter and hobbies that you actually enjoy doing. Watching TV is not a hobby, eating junk food is not a hobby and smoking is not a fucking hobby. Do or don’t do whatever you want, just make sure you’re making that choice for the right reasons.