I don’t normally buy into the latest social networking app, you know the ones available for every phone that’ll connect you with everyone you’ve ever seen out of the corner of your eye and allow you to send them ironic selfies plastered in emojis while letting them know you’re currently streaming the debut album of the cool new indie band that only uses three obscure instruments between eight band members and subtly showing the TV in the background playing the latest tense political thriller following the rise to providence of a serial killer in the 13th century.
I broke my trend and got Timehop and I can safely say I’m delighted with the results as today I found out that five years ago I told someone to “shut up or I’ll get a hammer and nails and turn your cunt into a fucking treehouse.”
I’m now pleasantly surprised with my eighteen year-old self.
Every guy follows the same etiquette when texting or messaging someone, it’s actually pretty bizarre. If any girls out there don’t believe me then trust me, I’ve spoken to plenty of my friends about this and they all do exactly the same.
If you’re speaking to a male friend then no kisses are necessary unless they’re one of your closest friends, at which point a single “x” becomes acceptable.
If you’re speaking to a female friend who is exactly that and nothing more, or a female who you don’t know very well then one will suffice.
Everyone knows that “xx” is like an accident, nobody ever means to put two really. It’s either a habit you’ve somehow picked up or you’ve got fat fingers and you keep pressing it twice.
Here’s where we get to the real important shit.
If you’re speaking to a female friend who you’re really close to or that you want to get jiggy with then “xxx” becomes the norm. it’s not too blatant that it could be misconstrued as “sit on my face already” but then it’s not so casual that they’d think you don’t give a fuck about them so it works for either one.
Any more than three and you’re entering some real important territory, make sure that you know she’s into you or risk having to play it off as a mistake afterward.
If a girl then decides to reply with any number of “x”s exceeding three then congratulations son, you’re about to get laid.
This might seem pathetic and stupid, because it is.
I take no responsibility for the way the world works or the fact that technology has reduced us all to children.
I think it’s vital every now and then to just disconnect from the internet and from the things around you which aren’t tangible. Every once in a while just stop it all,stop spending all day texting someone, checking facebook, updating twitter, snapchatting photos or any of the rest of the mountain of bullshit crutches we’re leaning on to cure boredom.
Let the screens fade to black, let your phone die and just let go.
It really is nice to spend some time on your own, listen to music, eat and smoke. Take as long as you need because I can assure you if someone really, really needs you then they’ll find you. It’s so much easier to forget all of the pathetic little things that disrupt your natural rhythm if you just cut everything out. Only the most important things will ever reach you and it’s nice knowing that there’s no other shit to deal with .
So I take a look around on Facebook and I see that the vast majority of my friends are actually still online, still awake and still talking to people. That’s just the one’s who are on Facebook too, what about all the people who’re still awake playing games where you murder prostitutes, masturbating to “sisters” banging the same dude or whatever the fuck it is that kids love to do these days.
I find it weird though that so many people are unable to sleep, they can’t find any rest. I think the main reason is unhappiness, especially at my age anyway, people are coming to the stark realisation that life is not what they thought it was going to be five years ago. I thought I was going to be filthy rich and covered in bitches and I’m pretty sure most people my age pictured a similar future but sadly it wasn’t to be. We can’t all be Dan Bilzerian.
Truth is people are all awake right now because they live in the faint hope that something incredible might fall into their lap if they could possibly stay awake just a few seconds longer.