I Believe The Term Is…

A shit sandwich. I heard this term today, not for the first time obviously because I’m not a fucking crab, but it was the first time I actually thought about it.

People usually seem to use it to describe when you get lumped with two equally unappealing and unfortunate circumstances at the same time, but that’s not actually a shit sandwich now, is it?

A ham sandwich is ham between two slices of bread and a chicken sandwich is chicken between two slices of bread. The first word is the filling and sandwich essentially just means “between two slices of bread”. Seems simple enough, so I really do fail to see the why this is such a common mistake.

By this logic, a shit sandwich is really a singular piece of shit, served to you piping hot and ready to eat, but obviously between two slices of bread. Wholemeal, bran bread, butter, mayonnaise, you can take your pick because it really doesn’t matter when when it’s covered in a hefty portion of shit.

So, when life throws two truly awful circumstances at you at the same time, you’re not really being given a shit sandwich. You’re not even being given two shit sandwiches, unless for some unknown reason both these awful circumstances are bread-related but I really can’t see that happening.

What’s really happening is that you’re being spitroasted by two gargantuan penises sculpted entirely out of shit. You’re being shitroasted, or experiencing “a shitroast”, if you will.

That’s it really, I just want to let that phrase bleed out into everyday conversation.

A shitroast.

Mo’ Hair, Mo’ Problems

You know when you go to the hairdresser, they always hold a mirror up to the back of your head so you can see what it looks like from behind and obviously nobody ever pays attention. Everybody just agrees with whatever has already been done and some comedians have even made short routines about taking the piss out of hairdressers for doing this preposterous ritual. But have you ever been in a crowd? Something along the lines of a gig or festival, maybe just a night out in a particularly busy nightclub? If you lose a friend in any one of these settings I can guarantee you that nine times out of ten you’ll see someone who looks exactly like that friend from behind but as soon as they turn around you realise it’s not them, they just look very similar from the back. If we all started paying attention and having opinions on the back of our hair, this dilemma might actually cease to exist and it’d be so much easier to locate missing friends in busy areas.

Just a thought.