Unusual

I don’t normally buy into the latest social networking app, you know the ones available for every phone that’ll connect you with everyone you’ve ever seen out of the corner of your eye and allow you to send them ironic selfies plastered in emojis while letting them know you’re currently streaming the debut album of the cool new indie band that only uses three obscure instruments between eight band members and subtly showing the TV in the background playing the latest tense political thriller following the rise to providence of a serial killer in the 13th century.

I broke my trend and got Timehop and I can safely say I’m delighted with the results as today I found out that five years ago I told someone to “shut up or I’ll get a hammer and nails and turn your cunt into a fucking treehouse.”

I’m now pleasantly surprised with my eighteen year-old self.

I Believe The Term Is…

A shit sandwich. I heard this term today, not for the first time obviously because I’m not a fucking crab, but it was the first time I actually thought about it.

People usually seem to use it to describe when you get lumped with two equally unappealing and unfortunate circumstances at the same time, but that’s not actually a shit sandwich now, is it?

A ham sandwich is ham between two slices of bread and a chicken sandwich is chicken between two slices of bread. The first word is the filling and sandwich essentially just means “between two slices of bread”. Seems simple enough, so I really do fail to see the why this is such a common mistake.

By this logic, a shit sandwich is really a singular piece of shit, served to you piping hot and ready to eat, but obviously between two slices of bread. Wholemeal, bran bread, butter, mayonnaise, you can take your pick because it really doesn’t matter when when it’s covered in a hefty portion of shit.

So, when life throws two truly awful circumstances at you at the same time, you’re not really being given a shit sandwich. You’re not even being given two shit sandwiches, unless for some unknown reason both these awful circumstances are bread-related but I really can’t see that happening.

What’s really happening is that you’re being spitroasted by two gargantuan penises sculpted entirely out of shit. You’re being shitroasted, or experiencing “a shitroast”, if you will.

That’s it really, I just want to let that phrase bleed out into everyday conversation.

A shitroast.

Life

If you’ve only ever lived one day in your whole life then of course you’re going to be afraid of death. If you got a job at 18 and retired at 65 then of course you’re going to want to live to 100. If you dropped out of school and flittered between meaningless jobs for ten years until you got someone pregnant and you had to stay in a job to support the family, of course you’re going to wish you had more time.

If your life never changes and you never take any risks then of course you’re going to want more than what you’ve had.

I spent two years as the salesman who works 70-hour weeks and fills his weekends with drug-fuelled rampages. I’ve spent the last three years and will spend the next year as the poor student who lives in squalor and drowns in assignments but still manages to go out and get drunk at least once a week. During my life I’ve been the devoted and loving boyfriend who would do anything for the girl he’s with and I’ve also been the jerk who tries to fuck anything that moves at the first chance he gets.

Once next year’s done, I’m going to spend at least a year as the waste-of-space hippie who’s running around the world doing fuckall that’s really constructive. By that time I’ll be 25 I’ll either extend that time or I might try something new, guess we’ll have to see.

I Am A Whiny Bitch

We all are deep down. Nobody suffers in silence when they’ve got tiny little niggly problems that annoy that fuck out of them, like me right now. I’ve got tonsillitis but really this applies to any mild illness, any broken bone, being stuck in because your friends are all busy or an electrical item not working properly. These are just a few examples of the vast amount of things that people have always bitched about and will continue to bitch about, probably until the end of time.

As a test, feel free to keep this in mind and go about your day as normal. I can guarantee that someone you know will moan about something that really isn’t anything more than a mild annoyance, hell you might even find yourself being the whiny bitch instead.

Here’s the one thing I really do try and keep in the forefront of my mind when one of these things is happening to me:

For every illness you have that takes maybe a week of antibiotics and rest to get over, there’s someone who doesn’t have access to a doctor and could quite easily die or have serious complications from the very same illness. For every broken bone you get that means six weeks in a cast, there’s someone to whom a broken bone means weeks of agony and it not setting as it’s supposed to which’ll only lead to more pain later in life. For every time you’re stuck inside when it’s sunny and have nothing to do, there’s someone who doesn’t get a choice in the matter and has to stay outside because they’ve got nowhere inside to go to. And for every electronical item that breaks for absolutely no reason and annoys the hell out of you for being such a waste of money, there’s someone who doesn’t have that amount of money to waste in a whole year, never mind a month.

And no, this isn’t some condescending and preachy “save africa!” bullshit speech. It’s true and it applies all over the world, there are people in the very same country you’re from, even in the very same city, who don’t have anywhere near the benefits you have.

Unless you’re actually one of those unfortunate souls but then hey, you wouldn’t really be reading this anyway.

No Rest For The Wicked

I’m awake at 7am again, why can’t I sleep?

I wake up the same way every day now. Sweating, short of breath and panicking, every time and I’m starting to get fucking sick of it.

I feel ill so I guess it could just be that but I’m finding it hard to get to sleep in the first place too so maybe it’s just mild insomnia? Or maybe I’m just haunted by bad decisions and nightmares of how it could’ve been.

I’m going to go with illness, until I undoubtedly get proven wrong.

I’ve Got It

Since the age of sixteen, the longest I’ve been single is six weeks, until now. It’s been four months and a handful of days since my last relationship ended and I made a conscious effort to stay single for a longer period of time than I normally would for two main reasons:

A. All of my friends comment on the fact that I don’t stay single for long and I’ve been told that I could just be overcommitting to relationships to soon.

B. I still have feelings for my last girlfriend and it wouldn’t be fair to any new girl for me to get heavily involved while that’s still the case.

But anyway, the point is that it’s taken some time but I think I’ve finally got it. It’s taken a long time really but I think I’ve figured out how to be on my own, how to be happy in my own company and not need someone around constantly. Maybe this’ll make me a better person or a worse person, only time will tell but I can tell you this, it definitely feels good now to be comfortable spending time on your own and to get to know who you are that little bit better.

Hi Alex, I’m you. Nice to meet us.

The Time Is Now

It always has been and always will be. There is never going to be a better time than now. Plans are for the weak and procrastination is the sign of a dead man. Don’t spend time doing anything other than what you want to do and don’t spend time being anything other than what you want to be, this is all time you could have spend better.

I’m all about making the most of my time now, putting the most effort in and reaping the most reward possible. I’m not an idiot who says “This year is my year” every New Year’s Day but i am a firm believer in the power of the human mind and the strength of will that can turn people into heroes, legends and even gods.

No great man ever spent time in bed waiting for life to happen to him, they go out and they make it fucking happen. I will do everything it is physically possible to do and I will be everything it is physically possible to be, not for someone else but for myself and in spite of what anyone else does. The people that doubt you, cast you aside or forget about you will be the first ones to recognize you when you reach the top of the mountain, never forget that.

Don’t

Don’t get sad, get angry.

It sounds stupidly simple and easy to do but we all know it’s not.

Don’t just get angry and self-destructive though, that’s a common mistake. Get angry and use it, use it to build yourself into a better person than you ever were before. Better doesn’t necessarily mean good, you don’t have to be a good person to be a great person. If you ever need motivation to put yourself in a better situation just tell yourself that you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve any of the endless mountain of shit that is everyday life for most people on the planet, but you’re going to get it anyway so get angry and move that fucking mountain.

Children let their emotions control them, adults learn to hide them and maybe even block them out entirely but only great people can harness them. Use every single ounce of rage in you to do everything you never thought was possible.

This message was brought to you by a lack of experience and an unrelenting hope for the future.

That Sinking Feeling

Sometimes I wake up and I can’t get the idea out of my head. I can’t stop wondering if I gave up and let the best thing that ever happened to me walk away without a fight. But I always come to the same conclusion, if it was the best thing that ever happened to me then why did I have to fight?

I’m not saying relationships should be easy, I know they’re not. It’s just that when you get to a point where loving someone isn’t enough any more, maybe that’s just supposed to be the end of it. I guess it’s something you’ll never really know for sure and that’s not an idea I like, uncertainty is not fun.

Regardless, It’s too late to change it back and you just have to man up and move on. It’s not easy and it’s probably never going to be, but it’s one of those things that everyone has to do at some point in their lives. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and be willing to accept your fate.

You drink to the future or drink because of the past. It all looks the same when you’re on the outside looking in.

Schrodinger’s Pussy

Erwin Schrodinger was the Nobel Prize-winning physicist you might remember from a Philosophy or Psychology lesson you’ve taken.

He’s famous for his thought experiment regarding a cat caught in a simultaneous state of existence and non-existence. So basically, he was king nerd of the early twentieth century.

Erwin Schrodinger on women: “Poor things, they have provided for my own life’s happiness and their own distress. Such is life.”

Not only was he a massive player but apparently he also gave zero fucks about it. Schrodinger was essentially the Charlie Sheen of Quantum Physics.

Horace Greasley

In an attempt to distract myself from the monotony that is a dissertation, I read about a prisoner of war in Nazi Germany and this is why he amazed me so much.

He was captured and held prisoner, during which time he fell in love with the daughter of an official from a quarry labor camp. During the next five years Horace discovered a way to escape his camp and instead of using it to flee Germany and attempt to rendezvous with British forces, he used it to meet up with the official’s daughter as often as he could and continue their relationship.

After he was released and sent home they continue to talk until he discovered that she had died during childbirth with the father of the baby unknown, he never discovered if it was his.

First of all, why the fuck hasn’t this been made into a film yet?!

Second of all, love’s a powerful concept and life’s a fickle bitch. Lessons to learn.

Unwritten Rules

Well, I guess they won’t be for long.

Every guy follows the same etiquette when texting or messaging someone, it’s actually pretty bizarre. If any girls out there don’t believe me then trust me, I’ve spoken to plenty of my friends about this and they all do exactly the same.

If you’re speaking to a male friend then no kisses are necessary unless they’re one of your closest friends, at which point a single “x” becomes acceptable.
If you’re speaking to a female friend who is exactly that and nothing more, or a female who you don’t know very well then one will suffice.
Everyone knows that “xx” is like an accident, nobody ever means to put two really. It’s either a habit you’ve somehow picked up or you’ve got fat fingers and you keep pressing it twice.

Here’s where we get to the real important shit.
If you’re speaking to a female friend who you’re really close to or that you want to get jiggy with then “xxx” becomes the norm. it’s not too blatant that it could be misconstrued as “sit on my face already” but then it’s not so casual that they’d think you don’t give a fuck about them so it works for either one.

Any more than three and you’re entering some real important territory, make sure that you know she’s into you or risk having to play it off as a mistake afterward.
If a girl then decides to reply with any number of “x”s exceeding three then congratulations son, you’re about to get laid.

This might seem pathetic and stupid, because it is.
I take no responsibility for the way the world works or the fact that technology has reduced us all to children.

I Said Something To Someone

You know, as you do. It struck me that it was actually pretty accurate though so I thought I’d put it here.

When someone says something shitty to you, you basically have a choice of three responses. Some people choose anger, they explode and go crazy and a fight ensues. Some people choose frustration, they leave the conversation as soon as they can and retreating to a safe place to cry or maybe just to be alone.

The third option is the one that i often choose and is probably what I would say is for the best. I choose happiness, don’t let something said out of frustration in a moment of weakness effect you for any amount of time. Any time spent angry or frustrated is just time wasted, you won’t gain anything out of it and you’ll certainly lose a lot. I see people lose so much time feeling down or being angry that could really be spent doing something so much more worthwhile. If you spend even five minutes a day like this then over a year that’s more than thirty hours, over twenty years it starts to look a lot more like six hundred hours, that’s nearly a month.

five minutes might not sound like a lot but when you imagine losing three or four months of your life over the course of it, that’s when shit gets serious. That’s enough time to learn a new language, learn to play an instrument or even write a book. So basically, don’t let little shit get you down and if you’re sure that it’s not little shit then stop and think, will i still feel this way about it in twenty years? If the answers no then trust me, you’re wrong.