The Netflix Generation

We are the first generation to have this sense of unlimited access to television, music and film. We can download any song, program or film at the click of a button and have it within minutes. Since the advent of streaming services like Netflix it’s only gotten faster and easier, for those who aren’t as technologically literate.

This is something that is to the absolute detriment of us all, instead of resulting in an unending plethora of quality entertainment, the opposite is almost true. We spend hours and hours watching and listening to things that we don’t even like or are really poorly made. We listen to bands we don’t like just because we can, we watch bad films just because we can and we will sit there and spend an entire day watching a whole season of a program that we don’t even find interesting just because we can.

With fast food on the rise, we truly are becoming a sedentary species.

The British Dream

The reason why our country is so awful at the moment is simple to me now. If you look around you see a void in so, so many people. There’s people across the country with virtually no ambition and it’s the reason why anybody is unsuccessful. If you look at America, you’ll see hundreds upon hundreds of people who do what they need to to make their dreams come true. There’s people who make money from doing what they love and for one simple reason.

From the youngest age, Americans are told that they live in the land of opportunity. They’re given the concept of the American dream from such a young age that it becomes part of the very core of their belief system. The American dream is to do what you love and make more money than you can possibly need in doing so. It’s in every successful American, they love what they do and they use that drive to be the best at what they do.

Here in Britain there is no dream, we’re stuck with a class-system and an ineffective monarchy. We’re told from birth that if you’re not born into it, you aren’t going to get it. We follow the traditional methods of gradual progress, you get a job slightly better than your parents and hopefully, in hundreds of years to come, one of your descendants might be a doctor and earn a decent amount of money.

The main problem with this is that all it takes is one slip-up along the way, one person in the family tree who fails at what they do and all of a sudden the progress is back to the beginning and we have to start all over again. In America, it’s go big or go home. Each generation gets their own chance to make it and if they don’t, they pass the torch on to the next. There’s no gradual development, it’s all or nothing and that’s the way it should be.

Brock Lesnar

People like this astound me, he’s not actually a real person surely? He’s like the walking personification of testosterone. What you imagine steroids would look like if they were gentically engineered to take on human form. It’s almost like someone has taken a comic book villain and decided to make their son resemble him as much as possible. It doesn’t help his image though that he’s got a giant phallic symbol carved into his chest, but you try saying that to his face because I sure as shit won’t.

Evocative In Theory

I’m currently doing some research for an assignment on Posthumanism and stumbled across an incredible article about autobiographies and essentially why some are successful and others aren’t and according to this, it basically all boils down to how evocative the writer is.

It got me thinking, do I write that well? When someone reads the words that I’ve put to paper (or clumsily jabbed onto a keyboard) can they really smell my dreams? Are the words just lazily seeping into your brain like the incessant dripping of a tap that’s just out of sight or are they crashing through the window of your mind like a Phillipino hurricane? Am I one of the people able to turn words into me-tinted glasses and give the smallest part of me to someone else? I hope so, I truly do.

Mankind Giving Back to Mankind

You know the old WWF wrestler Mankind? His real name’s Mick Foley and he used to run around with a fucking sock puppet and a weird gimp mask? Well I found out he has a daughter starting wrestling too and holy hell, she’s not just hot she’s actually insanely gorgeous. Like, that next level of beautiful where the person isn’t even a real person, they’re the personification of the idealistic person that everyone wishes they were. The only way a father and daughter could look less alike is if Gerard Butler has a daughter who ends up looking like Chewbacca with tits.

Is This Real Life Or Is This Just Grand Theft Auto?

Every radio station on any Grand Theft Auto game is more fun to listen to than any radio station in real life. This makes no sense when you consider that it’s logically going to be more repetitive than real life and yet, I can not for the life of me find a single person who can honestly argue against this fact.

I wonder if this is where machines start to take over from humanity.

Edible Spreadables

It struck me today, why on earth is the word “Spreadable” on so many different brands of butter, as if it’s something they should be bragging about? Butter is by it’s very definition a spread, if it’s not spreadable then it isn’t really doing it’s job now is it? It’s like putting the phrase “Has Wheels” on a car advert, totally unnecessary and not something that’s going to make me buy your product any more than your competitors.

Fuck Anchor.

A Metaphorical Freddy Krueger

I was asked a question as old as time today, one that I’ve been answering at least once a month since I’ve been able to talk with increasing frequency since I officially became an adult. It starts out as “what do you want to be when you grow up?” and gradually develops into “what are you going to be?”.

The difference between these two questions are miniscule in terms of grammar but the insinuations hidden behind the questions are monumentally different. The first is the obvious one, the fact that the sentence loses four key words and tells you that you’re now grown up. You’re no longer planning for the future, you’re planning for right now. There is no intangible and idealistic vision of your future self, it’s just who you are right now, give or take the occasional major epiphany.

The second difference is far harder to notice but even more painful to realise. It is no longer a case of what you want to be, but what you’re going to be. It’s an implication that what you want is no longer the most important part of the goal, it’s not a case of what you want to do but what you’re going to have to do. As you mature, so does your outlook on life and the dream job that combines minimal effort with maximum reward is no longer a possibility, it’s a case of finding a balance between both. Maximum effort will produce maximum reward and minimal effort will produce minimal reward, that’s essentially why some people are happy stocking shelves and others push themselves to breaking point in order to achieve what they believe that they want.

In response to the question, I wasn’t able to confide in the other person what my dream job is. That’s a story for another time, or at least i hope it will be.

The Unavoidable Conclusion

This might not really translate well to anyone outside of the UK, but I’m assuming you’ve all experienced the ecstasy that is Capri-Sun. If you haven’t then just Google that phrase and you’ll see the drink I’m referring to, every man, woman and child that has ever fallen in love with Capri-Sun has also experienced this one major design flaw.

Every once in a while when you put the straw through the small, thin pouch it’s meant to go through you’ll hit the sweet spot and rather than finding the straw going straight down into the juicy nectar, you’ll find it sticking out of the back of the Capri-Sun packet. This might not sound like a big deal but when you consider that the packet itself is designed to avoid spillage, this design flaw actually makes it almost impossible to do anything put squirt the liquid out of the back of the packet.

The worst thing is that it’s such a rare occurrence that you can go years without it happening and you forget that it’s even a possibility until one day you’re sitting down ready to enjoy a nice, refreshing beverage and BLAM! You get fucked in the ass by Capri-Sun.

I still remember the first time that this happened to me, it was when I came to realise that there is no God.

4am Is The New 6pm

So I take a look around on Facebook and I see that the vast majority of my friends are actually still online, still awake and still talking to people. That’s just the one’s who are on Facebook too, what about all the people who’re still awake playing games where you murder prostitutes, masturbating to “sisters” banging the same dude or whatever the fuck it is that kids love to do these days.

I find it weird though that so many people are unable to sleep, they can’t find any rest. I think the main reason is unhappiness, especially at my age anyway, people are coming to the stark realisation that life is not what they thought it was going to be five years ago. I thought I was going to be filthy rich and covered in bitches and I’m pretty sure most people my age pictured a similar future but sadly it wasn’t to be. We can’t all be Dan Bilzerian.

Truth is people are all awake right now because they live in the faint hope that something incredible might fall into their lap if they could possibly stay awake just a few seconds longer.

Mo’ Hair, Mo’ Problems

You know when you go to the hairdresser, they always hold a mirror up to the back of your head so you can see what it looks like from behind and obviously nobody ever pays attention. Everybody just agrees with whatever has already been done and some comedians have even made short routines about taking the piss out of hairdressers for doing this preposterous ritual. But have you ever been in a crowd? Something along the lines of a gig or festival, maybe just a night out in a particularly busy nightclub? If you lose a friend in any one of these settings I can guarantee you that nine times out of ten you’ll see someone who looks exactly like that friend from behind but as soon as they turn around you realise it’s not them, they just look very similar from the back. If we all started paying attention and having opinions on the back of our hair, this dilemma might actually cease to exist and it’d be so much easier to locate missing friends in busy areas.

Just a thought.

The One Where He Says Stuff About Friendship

First off, if you got the reference in the title then a big thumbs up to you. Secondly, I’d just like to make the point that whenever a girlfriend or boyfriend says the phrase “It’s me or your friends” then you should always pick your friends and although this seems common sense, not everyone does think this way. But, do you know why you should? Because nobodies friends have ever grouped together and unanimously decided “It’s us or your girlfriend/boyfriend”.

This Needs To Become A Thing

Someone said the age-old proverb to me the other day “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”. To which I replied “People in straw houses shouldn’t invite wolves around for tea”.

A part of me thinks this makes no sense but the other part thinks it’s actually going to become a new saying relatively soon. The only real roadblock before this can happen is a pretty big one, I need to figure out what the saying actually means. It sounds good, and it almost sounds like some kind of threat but I’ll leave that up to whoever starts making it a thing I guess. I’m more of an idea-man than an action-man.

Year After Year

I see the same people making the same resolutions subsequently breaking them every year, myself included. This is not your typical rant on the subject because most people criticize the lack of conviction and dedication to a cause shown by the resolution makers and breakers but I can’t help but think, if almost every one I know makes a choice to quit smoking, go to the gym or not eat junk food but for some reason falters after the first six to eight weeks then doesn’t that say something about us as a whole? We are creatures of habit and too many of us make the mistake of allowing our habits to define our identity, you are not turning into a non-smoker, a fitness freak or a health nut just because you choose to do any of those things, you are the same person, through and through. True you might get changes in mood or sleeping patterns but that’s not your personality, that’s not who you are. Very few people want to be a smoker, they just like the social aspect and the ability to bond and find common ground with someone either on a night out or on a first day of work at a new job. That’s all eating junk food and being lazy are too, the chance to watch tv and have something to talk about or the time to watch each and every football match over the weekend just to have a day’s worth of conversation topics on monday. It all boils down to finding common ground with other people and in doing so, creating and maintaining lasting friendships. In short, stop being so fucking superficial and meet people by talking about things that actually matter and hobbies that you actually enjoy doing. Watching TV is not a hobby, eating junk food is not a hobby and smoking is not a fucking hobby. Do or don’t do whatever you want, just make sure you’re making that choice for the right reasons.