I don’t know what to do or think or say but all I do know is i can’t sleep for shit tonight. There’s so much running through my head I really can’t even express it properly. I need to just sit down and while away the small hours now by writing and writing until I can’t write anymore. I don’t know what to do to keep my mind off things and hopefully bring me to sleep but I know if I do what I’ve been finding cathartic recently it might at least relax my mind and let it rest. It doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to sleep at all tonight if I’m honest but at least I might get a good poem out of it? Who fucking knows.
Being crazy about someone and them driving you fucking crazy seem to go hand in hand.
I always say to my girlfriend that she’s my top priority and I never lie about that. I’ve had sleepless nights worrying about whether we’re going to be okay. I came running from Swansea first thing in the morning the other day because something was wrong. I always have to swallow my pride and apologise to her when she thinks I’ve done something wrong, whether I think I have or not. If she’s upset, I will do everything in my power to make sure she’s okay. She rings me early in the morning and I don’t shout at her for waking me up like I would for most people, I just listen to what she’s saying, sometimes it’s bad, sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s just a pointless chat and that’s the sweetest phonecall of all. I haven’t seen my father since I moved to Swansea because I don’t want to use up some time that I could be with her, I’m seeing him tomorrow and I’m bringing her with me. I don’t have a job because I can’t find one that won’t make me work weekends and won’t eat into the time I have with her. I’ve cut quite a lot of girls out of my life because she’s paranoid and even though they were only friends, I’d rather her just be happy and not have anything to worry over. I’ve stayed when she’s told me to go, made her stay when she’s wanted to go, made us talk when all she’s wanted to do is ignore me and all because even though she might not want to see me or speak to me, I know she needs to and I need to in order to fix whatever it is that’s broken. I would do anything for her and I’ve done everything I have had to for her. Please, please don’t get me wrong when I say this because I am not complaining. This isn’t me whining and moaning about all the effort I put in, this is me explaining and trying to get across to anyone and everyone that all of this and much, much more is always going to be worth doing. Not because I get to think I’m a pretty good boyfriend because I don’t think I am, I know I could be so much better for her and every day I will try to be that little bit better for her. Not because she would do the same for me because I know for a fact she wouldn’t, she doesn’t and I don’t think she ever will, that’s not a bad thing about her, that’s just not what she’s like, she has other priorities in her life that come before me and that’s always going to be completely fine by me. It’s because it’s all for a good cause when I get to lie down, she’s cuddled up close to me and asleep and I know that she’s happy and that’s all thanks to me.
This gorgeous chicken-eatery is going to have the pleasure of my presence tonight. I’ve got work to do when I get back to Swansea on sunday so I’m not going out for Carnage as it really would use up what little time I have to do these essays and what little time I have to spend with my girlfriend. I’ve been getting into spoken word poetry a lot recently as well. I’ve written some of my own and I actually can’t wait till I come home for christmas so I can record it and start things going! I’ll also get to spend almost every day with the girl of my dreams again. As lame as it sounds, I really do miss her when we’re not together.
A few things have been getting me down of late and I know just how to fix everything in one fell swoop. I’m going to put more effort in, to everything. I’ll fix my relationship problems and be a better boyfriend, It’s what she deserves. I’ll fix my university problems and be a better student, It’s what my parents deserve. I’ll write more, think more, do more in every venture that I’m looking to get into at the moment, It’s what I deserve. I’ve been a lazy, procrastinating cunt and I deserve all the unhappiness I’ve had. If you want something, take it. I’ve always said this to anyone who’s asked me for help and It’s about time I start to drink my own medicine, you know? I want a lot of things and by fucking god, I’m taking them all. This starts when I wake up tomorrow at exactly 9am if my alarm is to be believed and If It’s the last thing I do, I am going to get what I want and revel in my own happiness and the perfection of my own existence.
I did not mean to fall asleep in or fail to be present for every lecture you’ve ever given me but I was struck by the startling realisation on my very first day of university that I do not need you. I do not need your archaic establishment of knowledge and learning. I will write my own future, one set apart from yours and what your employer wishes for me. I will achieve greatness by my own means because I want it and it wants me.
They get 40 times more press coverage than climate change. I feel sick.
I heard the term “Psychonaut” over the weekend and I’ve spent most of today researching these sailors of the mind. I’m living the clean life now and steering clear of drugs so I’ve decided to experiment with the non-pharmaceutical side of it and start writing a dream-journal and forcing myself to remember every dream I have during the night, apparently this is the first step toward “lucid dreaming” or actually being able to control and create my own dreams. I’ll also start experimenting with yoga and breathing exercises in the day, eventually building up to spending an hour or two in an isolation tank and an infrared sauna in a specially-designed centre nearby in Swansea. The man in me hopes this will all lead to a better understanding of my own mind and the universe around me. The child in me hopes to achieve psychic powers.
When women say this do they just mean a six-foot black guy?
Less than seven weeks away apparently and yet, I see no looting or pillaging. It kind’ve makes me wonder, how serious people are actually taking the apocalypse?
It seems to be risk. If you risk nothing, you gain nothing. I’m presented with what a lot of people would say is a risk, I think it’s a surefire thing but then again, I’ve always been an optimist. Sure, if it all goes wrong I’m going to be left probably poor, definitely homeless and most likely end up having to drop out of university. But, if it all goes right I will have the life I want and I will be happy. Not just in the short-term, I mean I will literally be set for life, my happiness will be guaranteed. That pro is like a fucking cinder block compared to those cons. I would rather try, be unsuccessful but safe in the knowledge that I did everything I could to have the life I wanted than never try and never know what could have happened. I’m going to take the leap and I know that I’m going to land safely because if you want something bad enough, it will always be yours, no matter what. Now just to see if she’s willing to take the risk with me.
I just got home ready for the weekend back from Swansea to see my girlfriend and spend some time with some close friends too and I’ve somehow ended up spending the entire of this evening curled up in a ball on my sofa, sleeping with my cats and playing with them. I like it when I can see they’re getting more and more annoyed but I’m just finding it more entertaining. Cats make the best fun.